baby oh baby

This is going to be a controversial one I just know it. 

I am 27 years old. I have been married for nearly 18 months and I have a mostly happy, fulfilled, God-centred, baby-less life. Every so often someone asks me "So...when you are you having a baby then?" and I lose it. Inside my head, of course, because I was well brought up and so taught not to physically assault people EVEN when they ask you questions you DO NOT want to answer.

My answer, honestly, is "I have no freaking clue. Now leave me alone."

I learned long ago that women can be a slave to our hormones. That is when our hormones kick in, rational thought packs its bags and books off. Think about when you are ready to rip your hubby's head off, BECAUSE HE WAS AT HOME ALL DAY ON STUDY LEAVE AND DID NOT MAKE THE BED! And then he says "Honey, don't you think maybe it's because you are PMSing and so over-reacting? Just a little?" And then the well brought up-ness kicks in and you hold yourself back from punching him in the FACE.

About 6 months ago, what I like to call the Oh Baby hormones kicked in for me. A lot of my friends were having babies, falling preggers and spreading their mommy hormones all over the place. I was broody. I didn't want to be broody, I liked my life with just the Hub and me and our four-legged kids. And my career was on the up and up and we had just bought a house and I was happy. But these darn hormones. They would NOT listen to reason.

Photograph by Monica Dart

Then 2 months ago, the Oh Baby's packed their bags and shoved off. Relief. No idea why, no idea when they will be back. But I feel a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Read this article. Then read the comments below it. It's enough to put even the most Nigella-like creature off motherhood.

All I know is that I want to be a Mom. Sometime. I want to have a little blonde, curly haired child with Nic's blue eyes and my...probably nothing. Have you noticed how often the first child looks only like the Dad? Perhaps its God's way of pushing us to give them a sibling to prove we mothered them both! But I digress. 

This has been a tricky life stage for me to face. I put a lot of my self-worth into my career, what I can achieve using my intelligence. The thought of having a baby and losing myself, the ME I know so well, is horrifying. And I love my husband. I don't want to lose him in a fog of sleep-deprivation. I don't want to ignore my dogs because they have been replaced by something biologically mine. I think that especially older women look at childbearing through rose-coloured glasses. There is 20 or 30 years between them and the terrifying act of bringing a new baby home.

So I look forward to you checking back in here in a few years to see what new motherhood has really been like for me. But for now Stop Asking.